Pretending
by skittleAcullen
Summary: you can fix something that's broken. He was shattered into so many little pieces and even when you thought you had swept up all the glass and pain you feel a shard embed itself in your heart and you realize that this is a mess that you can never clean up. Even when you put the pieces back together you can still see the crack and you'll always know it was your fault
1. Chapter 1

Stiles heard the knocks on his bedroom door, he heard the voices of his 'friends' telling him to come out but he didn't care. He was done, so utterly and completely done. He didn't want to see anyone, he didn't want to eat, or leave his room, or breathe anymore. He just wanted to sit here in his corner until he died. He could hear Scott frantic voice now telling him to open up, he sounded like a worried mother. Stiles took a deep breath; he didn't have a mother to worry for him, to help him feel better when he felt like this. He didn't have anyone to help him, sure he had a father but what's the point when you know that every time he looks at you all he sees is your dead mother?

"Open this door right now Stiles" Lydia yelled banging on it "Derek's going to break it down if you don't!"

Stiles gave a dry laugh and his eyes filled with tears, even Derek showed up for this? They had absolutely no idea did they?

"I'll open the door" he yelled and it got quite in the hallway "If you can tell me what today is"

The silence lasted and he could just imagine how they were looking at each other, they had no idea what today was, they had no idea why today would cause Stiles to have a panic attack in the middle of class and run out.

"It's Tuesday Stiles" Jackson yelled out, Stiles could practically hear him roll his eyes. In a blind fury he got up and threw open the door, he looked upon the confused faces of the pack and tears started rolling down his face "It's the day my mother died" he tried to scream but his throat was choked with sobs and his voice got hoarse. The look of shock on their faces made Stiles want to spit, he could practically feel the pity rolling off of them in waves, even Derek and Jackson looked guilty. "You all claim to love me, all say that you're my friends but none of you even bothered to ask, sure you knew that she died but you never cared enough to ask how I felt. It was just a simple fact 'Yeah Stiles doesn't have a mom but who cares' well I care" he wiped his face "I am done being your little pack bitch, I'm done running errands, I'm done lying to my dad about why I was out so late or why I'm limping"

"Stiles, we had no idea you felt like this" Alison said softly

"Of course you didn't because you never asked, nobody ever asks because nobody cares."

"I'm your best friend Stiles, of course I care"

"We all care Stiles" Lydia's voice was soothing she was trying to get him to calm down "You can always talk to us about anything" It was obviously supposed to make him feel better but it just made him feel worse

"I can tell you anything? Why would I burden you with my own problems, you all have your own"

"You're not a burden you help everyone Stiles, and you never judge us" Scott took a small step towards his best friend "Remember when I had the panic attack in the school bathroom? You helped me get through it"

"That's because I have so many of my own, they never stop" his voice was getting low "I have so. much. _shit._ going through my head all the time. It keeps me up at night. My memories."

"So?" Jackson's pigheadedness still has no end.

"Tell me what my memories are, Jackson." Stiles voice was hard and bitter "You don't remember the time as the kanima do you? You can't remember all the people you killed. All the blood you spilled, what it looked like when you were covered in blood and ripping your claws threw something. Sure, you've been told what happened but it's not like there's anything to haunt your dreams." Stiles feels like he was going to puke but he has to tell someone, who better than everyone? "Do you know what I see? What I remember? I remember the mechanic trying to scream as he was crushed to death I remember knowing that I was going to die next and I would never see my dad again. I remember Matt walking towards my dad with a gun and I can't move to save him, and I remember hoping that Scott would protect him but Matt's also threatening his mom and I know if it came to a choice, he'd choose her. And I can't blame him because I'd choose my dad first but, I'd kill anyone to keep my dad safe but most of all I remember feeling useless because I. Couldn't. Fucking. Move."

Stiles' stares at the shocked faces in the hallway and felt sick "You want to know why I don't talk to anyone about what happens? Why I stay up at night and play werewolf researcher? Because the monsters that haunt my mind are worse than any monster in Beacon Hills."

Derek speaks up for the first. "You should have said something." His voice is soft and caring and sounded nothing like the Derek that Stiles was used to and it just pissed him off.

"Have you? How many times have you woken up screaming, covered in sweat and tears, telling yourself if you'd just gotten there faster, that you could have saved Laura? Saved your family? How often are you out in public and you have to bite your lip until your teeth connect, you have to dig your fingers in your palms because your hit with a sudden rush of guilt for not saving them. With the pain of knowing that you're alone" Stiles knows he's crossed a line when Derek's eyes start glowing red and he glares at him silently. It doesn't matter.

None of it matters.

Why should it?

"Everyone needs some sort of outlet Stiles, something healthy that can help them get over their anger and problems" Jackson shrugs "Mines Lacrosse, what's yours?"

"You want to know my outlet?" Stiles stared at him disbelieving "I'll show you my outlet" Stiles pulls up his left sleeve to reveal deep welts and gashes on his wrist; some couldn't be more than ten minutes old "I could have been screaming it to you but none of you would have listened, you all taped over my mouth and scribbled out the truth with your lies."

A single tear fell from Lydia eye as everyone stared at his wrist "Stiles we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself

"You all talk about how you love me and how useful I am it's always 'Stiles we love you" and 'Stiles you're the best' but that's not even my name. None of you know my name, you've never asked" he shouted and took a step back so he could close the door, he just needed to be alone, to sit in him room in the dark and cry. He knew from this day on they would pay more attention to him, check his wrists and follow his every move but right now he didn't care. He closed the door half way before he looked everyone in the eyes individually landing on Lydia and holding her stare

"How can you say you love me when you don't even know my real name?" Stiles looked at them all once more numb to every emotion on their face

"You want to know what hurts the most?"

Beyond words Scott and Lydia nodded yes while all the others said no with the exception of Derek who looked to be holding back tears

"Pretending that it doesn't hurt at all."

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**My first sad Teen Wolf fic. my muse has taken the shape of Stiles and he was sad today.**


	2. Chapter 2

Things were different, they weren't better and they weren't worse but they were different. Lydia and Scott made it so Stiles was never alone. In every class there was someone to be with Stiles, watching him or talking to him, Stiles didn't really mind either way. He was the same hyperactive teen he always was and things were going fine. Until it happened again, the pack had taken up the habit of popping into room every once in a while. They almost never found him doing anything incriminating, he was sleeping, or eating, or watching TV, and one time jacking off. He had taken to doing that in his bathroom now. One day, December 10th to be exact, Derek decided to visit our friend Stiles to talk about a Christmas present for Scott. There was nothing unusually about the day, it was rainy and a bit nippy but all seemed to be right with the world, Until Derek got within walking distance of Stile's closed window. The unmistakable sent of blood and Marijuana was pouring from his bedroom in abundance. Derek climbed the wall and went in through the window to see Stiles splayed out on his bed, eyes closed as his entire body moved to the floating jams of Slow Kids at Play. His wrist was hanging off the bed and was dripping blood onto the carpet.

"Stiles" Derek wanted to shout but the way he felt he was happy his voice came out above a whisper.

Stile's eyes shot open "Derek!" wither he be stoned or scared Stiles was still Stiles as he rolled out of the bed and onto the floor and flailed his arms around "What are you doing here?"  
"I came to ask a question about Scott" Derek got closer to Stiles and knelt on the carpet capturing the bloody wrist in his own large hands, Stiles didn't even flinch. "What happened here?"  
"Isn't it obvious?" Stiles asked pulling away from Derek's grip to "I got high and took out my life's problems on my lips"

Derek looked at him

"Lips" Stiles giggled "I meant wrists" He crawled over to the dresser and grabbed the *bowl off of it "S's are super splendid" he giggled again, He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and took a drag, he crawled over to Derek and breathed the smoke into his face "Surprise" he laughed. Derek didn't know what to do, the smell of weed was strong in the room and unlike alcohol Marijuana could affect him.

"Stiles why did you cut yourself?"  
"Don't remember" He shrugged offering the bowl to Derek whom shook his head no "Dude I'm not telling you a damn thing if you don't get high with me"

Derek took the bowl hesitantly before taking a deep breath and putting the device to his lips; Stiles grinned as he lit it for Derek and laughed when Derek coughed on his first drag.

"Your first time?"

Derek shook his head no "It's just been a while" he took another hit, smaller this time so his lungs would be okay. "Now start talking" as he spoke he breathed pot smoke into Stile's face causing the teen to giggle

"I don't know man" He shrugged "I woke up this morning and just, decide that I was gonna smoke weed today. I have no reason other than fun"

"Did I mention" Derek took another drag, enjoying the light headedness he was starting to feel "That I can tell when you're lying"

Stiles sighed and took the bowl from Derek "You're gonna laugh at me"

"I'm high" Derek pointed out "I'm gonna laugh at everything."

Stiles sighed again, "I got into a fight with my dad last night" he tried to shrug it off but Derek could hear his heart flutter "He found out that I was cutting myself and he flew into a rage"

"So you cut yourself some more?"

Stiles took another drag and made a face "Probably not the best idea"

"And I know they've stopped bleeding but there really deep"

Stiles shrugged "That's why I lit up, depressions a bad scene and weed is my drug."

Derek laughed and reached over to grab the bowl but lost his balance and ended up lying down on the floor. "My drugs attention" he mumbled playing with the fringe on the carpet "I am an addict"

"I feel you there man" Stiles nodded taking another drag from the bowl and blowing it in Derek's general direction "hey can I ask you a serious question right now?"

"Go ahead"

"How did you deal with the whole shit that happened to your family?"

Derek sat up and took another drag from the bowl before answering "I didn't"

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't deal with it. I act like it doesn't bother me but it's eat me up inside all the time. I was personally responsible for the death of my family so I have to fight with that shit all the time. Your mother had cancer"

Stiles was silent as he took in this information grasping for words he finally settled on "Kate was a crazy bitch" to which Derek agreed with a nod of his head

"Let's make a deal" Derek said "only between the two of us"

Stiles nodded "what kind of deal"

"Whenever you're upset and feel like cutting, find me. Text me no matter what I could be doing and let me know how you feel. I'll bring a bag of weed and we can do this as much as you want."

Stile's eyes lit up "Fine but only if you promise to do the same thing"

Derek nodded and smiled at the teen "You're not a total fuck up Stiles"

"Yeah? Well you're not the biggest sour wolf I've ever met" he thought for a moment "Hey about this deal, let's seal it with a kiss"

Derek tilted his head to the side, like a confused puppy but his facial expression was one of amusement "I know weed makes you horny but you need to calm down"

Stiles laughed and grabbed the bowl "I take a puff, you take a puff and we kiss and share the smoke. That way if either of us fucks up the deal we both have a bit of leeway"

Derek wanted to say no but the allure of the bowl and the fact that Stiles' lips were such a pretty pale pink had him reaching for the bowl to take a hit right after Stiles. He grabbed the back of Stile's head and brought them in slowly, as their lips touched Stiles let out his smoke in a sigh of bliss and moved himself closer to the wolf. Derek made himself available as Stiles climbed into his lap and deepened the kiss just a fraction just before pulling back. They both looked at each other before they busted out laughing

"We are way too high" Stiles laughed as he whipped off his mouth

Derek was too beyond words to speak as he laughed and rubbed at his mouth as well, Stiles was a good friend and maybe when neither of them required a therapist they could be more. "When's your dad coming back?"

"He always works double shifts when we fight. He'll be home around noon tomorrow" Stiles snorted as he fought to get up "I have doughnuts downstairs"

"Fuck yes" Derek and Stiles fought with gravity to become vertical and helped each other down the stairs. They watched corny movies on TV and demolished the entire population of cereal in the house. Yeah they both had their share of issues but they were still teenagers with feelings and emotions. And if Derek kissed Stiles' cuts and Stiles cried until they fell asleep on the couch, well who was to judge them?

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**My muse wasn't sad but I was so this is why it's awkwardly fluffy and sad. I think this might be the end guys. unless you have any suggestions I'm gonna rap it up here. a bit of Sterek, weed, and doughnuts. literally my three favorite things. tnx 4 the support lovlies. check out my other stuff for less angst**


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